Over the past year and a half or so I have watched my life slowly falling apart due to my own self destructive nature and lack of interest in anything but keeping up with the latest entertainment news. As clearly as I have seen and known what the results of all of my actions, or lack thereof, would be, I still feel almost as if I have no control over my own life. I don't understand my own brain or how it works sometimes. I know that if I do not do something then I will not accomplish anything but even knowing that I still find ways to procrastinate and put it off. Even while I procrastinate I know that I am lying in saying that I will get back to it. I know that if I do not do it when I first think of it then it will not be done period.
The same goes with thoughts as of late, leading to me taking notes of random things in my phone so that I can come back to it later. But enough of that tangent. I believe that at the core of my being that I was created with a purpose and that nothing, no matter how benign, happens without a reason. My family and friends often look at my way of thinking as strange and I do not blame them. I look at life as one long complicated mathematical equation in which every event is a factor that effects the final outcome. The problem is, I am horrible at math and cannot possibly foresee what actions will take me in what direction. It is because of this that I rely on a higher power to help guide me along. The problem with this, as I am discovering more and more, is that I have taken to relying too much on fate drawing me an arrow to follow. I have a habit of just letting the dice fall and then dealing with the outcome however I can. When I was in High School this was not that big of a deal, even if I was extremely lacking in my homework and studies I could still rely on my God-given smarts to pull me through. Then I joined the Army and went to College. Both of these experiences, both separate and cumulative, have taught me that it doesn't matter how much you know if you don't do anything with the knowledge. I could tell you exactly how to execute a squad ambush or how to type a 10 page essay regarding a particular book.
The problem is not in the knowing but in the doing. As far as the Army goes, I am a disgrace. I know this and even though I know that correcting myself would be a relatively simple thing if I would really try but I don't. A lot of this could be blamed on my lax nature and just plane laziness but I cannot help but think there is something else here as well. While this of course sounds like a pathetic attempt to rationalize my own faults so that it is somehow not my own fault, I cannot help but wonder at the simple fact that I was created the way I am for a reason. While not at all justifying my actions in any way, it does lead me to think that I have made a mistake in career paths. That being said I do believe that I am where I am for a reason and that I still have a ways to go before I get to where I need to be. Basically what I am saying is that our pasts may be scattered and at times overshadowed by sadness, but they're also an irrevocable part of our lives and personalities. Even if I could change a single thing, I wouldn't, because my past was what led me here. I have often mused at the prospect of time travel as I believe anybody who has done something colossally stupid has. While I would love to go back say 5 or 6 years with all of the knowledge that I now have, would I really make things better? Say I go back and try to change things to my benefit, would it really affect anything? Putting aside the obvious scientific implications of time travel, how do I know that I won't just make things way worse? Its at this point I usually remember that there is a God who has planned this out for a lot longer time then I have. If things were supposed to happen a different way then they would have. Who am I to question the maker of the universe when I know so little about its workings? I don't know what the future brings but I know that it will happen as it is supposed to happen.
Since I know this viewpoint upsets anyone who believes in free will, I feel the need to explain my views. While it is true that we were given these certain inalienable rights such as Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, the fundamentals of free will, I believe that there is also a plan that we all have to follow whether we know it or not. Think of it as a stream. The water is free to flow anywhere it wants to, with a certain extent. The water has very clear boundaries in that the banks of the stream keep it contained while gravity forces it to continuously move downstream. Within these limits the water is able to move about a variety of ways while the overall stream still continues in the same direction within the same boundaries. Now say there is a rock in the stream that blocks a particular path. Naturally the water moves around it. Sat a tree falls into the stream. If there is no way for the stream to continue in its previous direction then it moves into another direction, the path of least resistance. Now to tie this analogy into reality, imagine we are the water in the stream. We are constantly forced into a single direction, the future, while not being able to go upstream, the past. We are bound withing certain limits of our existence, such as not being able to live where there is no food water or air, these are the banks of our stream. Now the rocks blocking parts of the stream, those are the unforeseen events that crop up from time to time that cause us to change course. This could be anything from a bounced check to a car wreck. The tree falling into the stream represents something drastic which changes the course of our life altogether. This could be the death of a close friend or relative, or it could be a sudden wave of debt which threatens to bankrupt you. Regardless it is something that is life changing and forces you to change direction or else be destroyed. Eventually the stream ends, usually flowing into a larger body of water. This larger body could represent Eternity or maybe just the larger things that your life is destined for, joining up with an even bigger stream or river to thrust you in a new direction altogether.
Anyway, enough with the abstract philosophies, I think too much I know. Even knowing that I have free will and can operate anywhere within the stream that I choose, I have begun to notice that I almost always simply go with the flow. Because of this I don't see the rocks or trees lying in front of me and crash face first into them. Right now the rocks in my life are the simple things like worrying about paying for gas. The trees are things like the ridiculous amount of debt I have accumulated by going to college and not finishing, or the outrageous medical bills for what was essentially the most expensive crappy breakfast I have ever eaten and nothing else. Add onto that the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life and the fact that I am very close to having another crisis within the Army sphere of my life, and suddenly I can become quite depressed or panicked very easily. I guess that is why I am bothering to type all of this out even knowing that most likely nobody will ever read this unless I specifically ask them to which is basically just a call for help. If there is one thing that I have grown to hate more than anything in my life, its Pity. I'm not talking about simple compassion born from loving family or friends, I'm referring to those who see me as a hurt puppy or a broken toy that has to be fixed. I am fully aware of my own limitations, several of them self-imposed, and do not need to be reminded of them by strings of false encouragement by supposed do-gooders who really just want to feel good about themselves for helping those who are so obviously beneath them and then go on to talk about how pathetic I am to there friends who continue to pass judgments on me.
Judge away but you should know that you cannot think any worse of me than I do of myself most of the time. I have been struggling with suicidal tendencies for almost as long as I can remember, all the way back to the early days of grade school. I have become quite accustomed to the dark voice in my head telling me to just get it over with and be done with it. Telling me that I am worthless and that nobody would really miss me if I were gone. Whether or not that is true I cannot say and it is something that I struggle with on a daily basis, even all the while I have a smile and look of false happiness on my face. I have gotten very good at learning not to display my emotions over the years. The only thing that has ever kept me going and that has kept me from doing something stupid is my family and close friends and the knowledge deep down in my heart that I am here for a reason. I may never find out what it was but I know that each of us impact the lives around us in ways we can never imagine.
Every action is but another factor into Life's grand equation. While individually one can never see why a seemingly random action happened, when looking at the grand scope of history it becomes more apparent. I can only hope that even if I never go on to be the "next big thing" in whatever I choose to do for myself, I at least help as many people as I can along the way. After all, I may not be the one to make it big but the person I help may go on to do it instead. I often think of the small people whom we never read about in our history books. The teacher who first taught Einstein math, the pastor who got Billy Graham saved, or the man who first have Da Vinci a paint brush. We all contribute in our own little way. That being said I will end this extremely Long Incoherent Rant with Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways aknowlege him and he will make your paths straight."
This is Ethan Campbell signing off.
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